Hiei Love
by diamonddustx
Summary: Hiei works at a radio station with Genkai. Hiei recieves a call for love advice. The producers loved his advice that they give Hiei his own love radio talk show! (HieiXKurama)
1. Happy Hour

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho!  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
Touya: It is five o'clock! Well you'll be listening to happy hour with double O Hiei and I'm off for the night, have a good evening!  
  
~Radio Commercial~  
  
*The noise of a door opening*  
  
Doctor: I have good news and well I have good news.  
  
Tuguro: What is it Doctor?  
  
Doctor: I just saved a shinny nickel by switching to Jagan auto insurance!!  
  
Tuguro: And the other news.  
  
Doctor: You have a hemorrhoid... but nothing that a million dollar procedure can't fix... Bend over!  
  
~End of Commercial~  
  
Announcement: Hit your neighbor and slap your butt, you've reached a parallel radio station! (Girl's voice)Oh my god, what a abomination! (Clip from song)Just push me and then just touch me, so I may get my sa- sa- satisfaction! (Yami Yugi's voice) All for your musical and physical pleasure, your listening to The Yu at ninety nine point nine!  
  
Hiei: *Wild Wind plays softly in the background* I'm double O Hiei. Hn! We'll start with a song.  
  
*Wild Wind plays on air*  
  
*Wild Wind ends*  
  
Genkai: Well, what a way to start the hour. I love that song. Don't forget you dolts, at the end of the hour we'll be playing the five most requested songs of the day, so call in and win a prize!  
  
Hiei: And that prize exactly is?  
  
Genkai: Well let me see. *long pause*  
  
Hiei: ....  
  
Genkai: Yes, a fake college degree!  
  
Hiei: Sounds... let's see called number 9 right now.  
  
Genkai: Stupid, that isn't till later!  
  
Hiei: ....  
  
Genkai: I've noticed, for the years I've worked with you, you don't talk much do you?  
  
Hiei: ....  
  
Genkai: A man with few words, I like that.  
  
Hiei: Here is another song.  
  
*Daydream Generation starts*  
  
*Daydream Generation ends*  
  
Genkai: Interesting.... Lets check with Boton with traffic. How is it out there on the streets Boton?  
  
Boton: Well highway sixty-six is closed due to a pile up and WHOA you had to be there! It was exciting, I was even able to pop popcorn with the first couple of cars that crashed causing a fire and the rest of the pile up. Over seventy cars, trucks and larger vehicles have been involved. Oh look my popcorn has blood on it, yuck! Well if your not involved in this incredible event, you might want to find another way home.  
  
Genkai: Well..... Lets take a moment of silence for those who possibly died in this wreck.  
  
Boton: OH MY STARY EYE SURPRISE! The MAYHEM, I'll need more popcorn! A man just got out of a burning car and is completely on fire. There seems to be no paramedics on the scene of even firefighters, he is screaming in ignorance... ROLL fired man ROLL!  
  
Hiei: "A normal human would have succumbed to its power by now, but I see the geniuses in the Spirit World found a nice pick."  
  
Genkai: What in my spirit orb are you talking about?  
  
Hiei: Oh just one of my favorite quotes from my favorite show.  
  
Genkai: Let's em... listen to another great song.  
  
*Homework ga Owaranai starts*  
  
*Homework ga Owaranai ends*  
  
Genkai: I think I'm having a bowel movement... this old age thing is creeping up to me fastly!  
  
Hiei: A caller... What does that say? OH! That's his name... Jin your on the air!  
  
Jin: *crying on the phone*  
  
Hiei: Hey ass, what is your problem?  
  
Jin: Well I need your advice Hiei... I don't know who else to talk to...  
  
Hiei: *yells* It's Double O Hiei!  
  
Jin: *crying hysterically*  
  
Hiei: *freaked* Fine, just stop that crying or I'll hunt your down like a demon you are!  
  
Jin: Well I, well it's quite embarrassing...  
  
Hiei: Shove your pride up your ass fool and TALK are you requesting a song?  
  
Jin: Well I have this problem with my boyfriend. You see every time we have sex... and I wake up I find him gone. Do you think he thinks I'm not attractive, or am I bad in the sack? How can I keep him from leaving?  
  
Hiei: *disgusted voice* You called for love advice?  
  
Jin: Well, I just thought that you'd be able to help me with my problem. You've got to help me god damn it!  
  
Hiei: I don't think so, let's listen to a song!  
  
*Dark Side Stories starts*  
  
*Dark Side Stories ends*  
  
Hiei: What another called!?!? Fine... Hello you're talking to...  
  
Jin: PLEASE for weeks I haven't had a sex life!  
  
Hiei: Get plastic surgery and chain your boyfriend to the bed.  
  
Jin: I LOVE IT! Thanks Hiei!  
  
Hiei: It's double O Hiei! We'll play thirty minutes of non-stop music after this commercial break.  
  
~Radio Commercial~  
  
Man: Having trouble sleeping?  
  
Woman: You have no idea!!  
  
Man: Are you prepared to try the best medicine on the black market for your sleeping problems?  
  
Woman: Whatever can make me sleep yes.  
  
Man: All right, here, drink this.  
  
Woman: What is it?  
  
Man: CyiMilk  
  
Woman: Is it safe.  
  
Man: Government proven and patented.  
  
Woman: I'll drink it I trust the government! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! *Choking noises*  
  
Man: Look, she likes it! That's 100% CyiMilk for you. Regular cow's milk laced with cyanide helps you go to sleep at night, forever guaranteed or your money back. In the dairy section of Wal-mart!  
  
~End of Radio Commercial~  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
diamonddustx: Hehehehe, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please Review! Wanna ask a love related question to Hiei? Send them in your review and Hiei will answer them in his best possible way he can. Please state who you want asking the question too please! Don't worry Kurama will show up later in the fanfiction, BWAHAHAHAHAHA... Please review 


	2. Hiei Love

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho or the Big 5 from Yu-Gi-Oh!!!!  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
This isn't a on the radio chapter if your wondering... it's all about plot!  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
Hiei *thinking* Why do the producers want to talk to me... I get this stupid note saying 'meeting with producers at 5am tomorrow' so what they're going to fire me, not like that hasn't happen before. This is the first job I've kept longer than six months. I actually enjoy it a bit. *Knocks on door*  
  
Koto: Come on in. All the producers are waiting for you, just right through that door.  
  
Hiei: What do they want with me?  
  
Koto: Don't look at me I just work the phone.  
  
Big 5: Come in Hiei and sit.  
  
Hiei: I prefer standing up.  
  
Big 5: No sit down.  
  
Hiei: Hn.  
  
Big 5: Hiei, do you know what you did for this radio station?  
  
Hiei: ...  
  
Big 5: Guess.  
  
Hiei: Degrade the station to where it will turn into a folk music station?  
  
Big 5: No, actually that was Genkai, we're trying to make this station become hip-hop on the streets mega supa dope fly! That kind of station, you got that.  
  
Hiei: And that deals...  
  
Big 5: Well it deals with you because the ratings have spiked through the roof during yesterdays ratings.  
  
Hiei: ....  
  
Big 5: Do you know what we are talking about?  
  
Hiei: Do I need to guess?  
  
Big 5: Well you see during Happy hour, that is when the ratings soared into flying colors!  
  
Koto: *Opens door* Sirs, Genkai is here.  
  
Big 5: Bring her in.  
  
Genkai: What do you need me for, I've got a show to run here.  
  
Big 5: Well Genkai, we have to tell you something, you might want to stand by the window.  
  
Genkai: Fine. *Stands by window*  
  
Big 5: Your old, your fired.  
  
Genkai: Oh well, thank god I've been having sex with Bill Clinton, at least I'll be able to gold dig some of all his money.  
  
Big 5: We're not done Genkai.  
  
Genkai: Oh your not, well rotate on your thumbs, I'm out of here.  
  
Big 5: *presses a button* Sayonara bye bye!  
  
Genkai: *Gets flung out the fifth story building* AHHHHHHHHHH! You'll pay for this!!!!!!  
  
Big 5: *calls Koto in* Find someone to fix the window.  
  
Koto: Another one bites the dust?  
  
Big 5: Why yes, CALL SOMEONE!  
  
Koto: Right on it!  
  
Big 5: Anyways, because you are valuable to us and the rating have spiked incredibly, we want to give you your own show, every night? Think you can handle it? It'll be an hour show, at nine at night.  
  
Hiei: ...  
  
Big 5: Great!  
  
Hiei: I didn't say anything.  
  
Big 5: Because that person called asking for love advice, we want you to do a love radio talk show. The advice you gave him was refreshing, you don't get advice like that now a days. Well you do it?  
  
Hiei: ...  
  
Big 5: GREAT! Would you like to start tomorrow?  
  
Hiei: I didn't agree to anything you fools!  
  
Big 5: Very well, tomorrow you start! From now on your DJ name is Double O Hiei Love!  
  
Hiei: I'm DOUBLE O HIEI!  
  
Big 5: We're glad you like your name.  
  
Hiei: I'll kill you, I don't want to do a stupid show about love. OR any fucking shows for that matter, except for happy hour, I like working that hour!  
  
Big 5: Well you already agreed and sold your soul to us, see, look at the dotted line on the contract of the paper YOU just signed!  
  
Hiei: *looks at contract* Hn! It's that fake college degree we were suppose to give to a winner yesterday.  
  
Big 5: That is your contract, we're the devil, and you're now our slave.  
  
Hiei: Even the devil can be killed.  
  
Big 5: As long as we've known you, you still can't take a joke.  
  
Hiei: ...  
  
Big 5: *calls Koto back in*  
  
Koto: Yes sirs?  
  
Big 5: If Genkai is still alive after that horrible accident waiting to happen, please store her body in one of those virtual pods we stole from Kaiba Corp.  
  
Koto: Yes sir, right away. *Leaves*  
  
Big 5: So what do you say, want the position, there is bigger benefits and salary!  
  
Hiei: NO!  
  
Big 5: All right, good! Tomorrow you are now Hiei Love!  
  
Hiei: I thought I was going to be...  
  
Big 5: Too long of a name, now go away, we have more important matters to attend to now like getting that Yugi's body!  
  
Hiei: Bunch of assholes! *Walks away*  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
diamonddustx: Well I hope you liked that chapter, chapter 3 I will start with Hiei giving love advice to your love questions! Please review and don't forget to ask Hiei Love your love related questions to get the best advice in town! 


	3. First Night

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho or any of the anime characters that appear.  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
(Hiei Love's love advice shouldn't be taken seriously) ^_~  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
~Radio Commercial~  
  
Advertiser: Hey boys, looking for some fun?  
  
Yusuke: Sure!  
  
Advertiser: All right then try out our new product BUDDLE!  
  
Kuwabara: What's that mister advertiser?  
  
Advertiser: BUDDLE is a new product for all those who like beer, Budweiser beer and the fresh scent of candles!  
  
Yusuke: So it's a beer candle!  
  
Advertiser: Aren't you smart, I guess your mother didn't drink while she was pregnant with you!  
  
Kuwabara: I already bought a whole lot of bunch of it from the store in the ghetto, they'll sell you anything!  
  
Advertiser: Now you get to do anything around the home and get intoxicated with out any traces in your blood, so if you get pulled over by a gay police man, you'll be able to tell the difference! Budweiser, we've changed our image!  
  
~End of Commercial~  
  
Announcement: (serious man's voice) Into each generation a radio show is born where (Madonna's voice) Like a virgin for the very first time, where some people get it, (Lisa Kudrow's voice) I hope you babies look like monkeys and some people are just clueless (clip from song) You can ring my bell, ring my bell and that's why you tune in to Hour of Love with Hiei Love. Sometimes you find yourself at lover's lane, sometimes you find yourself vomiting into your shoe, and this is either place! Hiei Love...he's savage, OH YEAH!  
  
Hiei: Your listening to The Yu at ninety-nine point nine! This is the formally DJ know as Double O Hiei now know as Hiei Love. Need love advice, you've come to the wrong place! Let's play a song! This is Ayumi Hamasaki with United!  
  
*United! starts*  
  
*United! ends*  
  
*Utada Hikaru's Distance starts*  
  
*Distance ends*  
  
Hiei: Hn. What's the girl's name? Oh who cares! Speak caller!  
  
Caller #1: I heard this is the best place to get love help! AM I on the air?  
  
Hiei: Speak or DIE!  
  
Caller #1: OH MY GOD, I'M ON THE AIR! MOMMY, MOMMY!!!  
  
Hiei: ...  
  
Caller #1: "Hiei Love, if I fell in love with a really BAD, EVIL, CRAZY MAD guy . . . how would I get him to shut up about the millions of little u2's swimming in his brain telling him to invent the Hiei Ferby?"  
  
Hiei: Hn. What the [beeped out word]!!!! [More bleeped out words]!!!!! I was just told I cannot [even more bleeped out words] say obscenities on the radio.  
  
Intern: *Interrupts* Sorry folks at home!  
  
Hiei: THIS IS MY [bleep, bleep, bleep, BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP] SHOW!  
  
Caller #1: Hello? Are you going to help me with my big problem?  
  
Hiei: Advice point number 1= Grab a sledgehammer. Advice point number 2= Hit the [BLEEP]!!!! guy. Advice point number 3= If that doesn't work, send him to that continent Iraq!  
  
Caller #1: THANKS!  
  
Hiei: *dull happy voice* Oh great, look we have another caller!  
  
Te'a: "How can you get a guy you like that doesn't have a clue you like him to like you?"  
  
Hiei: Dump a dumpster of scolding hot tar all over his body and throw feathers on him!  
  
*Romeo by BoA starts*  
  
*Romeo ends*  
  
Hiei: Today I went to the movies and saw this movie called Kill Bill Volume 1. It's a perfect movie for a first date! Lots of blood, gore, body parts getting chopped off, more blood, obscenities, fighting, blood, and did I mention blood? It all makes for a great date for an occasion whether it is your partner's birthday, your wedding anniversary or a after a loved one's funeral!  
  
Edward: "Hiei love, if I like a guy who likes a girl who likes a guy who likes a girl who likes a guy who likes a demented christmas squirrel, then what is 56 plus cheese?"  
  
Hiei: You get stinky cheese man! Here is a perfect love melody!  
  
*Dark Side Stories starts*  
  
*Dark Side Stories ends*  
  
*Let Me Be With You by ROUND TABLE feat. Nino starts*  
  
*Let Me Be With You ends*  
  
Hiei: *disgusted voice* This is Hiei Love and *normal voice* your at The Yu at ninety-nine point nine.  
  
Lee: "If you like someone, and you don't feel good enough for them, what should... you... do..."  
  
Hiei: EVER HEAR OF THERAPY! Next caller!  
  
Kitten: "If you're already someone's girlfriend, and another guy likes you, what should you do?"  
  
Hiei: Listen to happy demented Japanese church music and stop watching Dawson's Croak!  
  
Kitten: What?  
  
Hiei: *Makes hissing noises*  
  
*Obsession by See-Saw starts*  
  
*Obsession ends*  
  
~Radio Commercial~  
  
Kid #1: Heh heh, I'll disguise myself to get a bowl of Trix! Those awesome fruity tasting cereal, I'll get them! My mouth tingles with the thought of Trix in my mouth!  
  
Kid #2/Kid #3: (English accents) Hey look a hungry homeless kid!  
  
Kid #1: Please, hungry must eat!  
  
Kid #2: Here you go, have a bowl of Trix! The box even has the nutritional facts!  
  
Kid #3: Isn't it just yummy?  
  
Kid #1: It's G-R-E-A-T!! Those colorful colors!  
  
Kid #2/Kid #3: HEY You're not a homeless kid, you're an American!  
  
Kid #1: NO! You've got me mixed up with that rabbit!  
  
Kid #2/Kid #3: Silly American, Trix are for Brits!  
  
~End of Radio Commercial~  
  
~Radio Commercial~  
  
Boy: BOOM BOOM!  
  
*Theme song plays in background*  
  
Advertiser: All Mazda (can't remember the exact car) cars are on an explosive sale! Buy a car now and pay NOTHING till April of 2004. Get them before they explode their way out of the nearest dealership near you!  
  
Boy: BOOM BOOM!  
  
~Radio Commercial ends~  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
diamonddustx: Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Please Review. Remember, the more questions you ask, the more Hiei Love can help you (or a character of your choice) in a sick, non-helpful kid of way but still help in a strange sense!!! 


	4. Love Advice

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho or any anime characters that make special guest appearances.  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
Remember, don't take Hiei's advice seriously I mean, remember what he has been through as a child and you can see why he is like he is. Okay, now that you've had a flashback sequence go through your brain, return, return.... *Pulls out mall directory* You are here.  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
~Radio Commercial~  
  
Watching your child grow up: Priceless...  
  
Your child becoming a teenager: Frustrating  
  
Teaching your child how to drive: Heart wrenching  
  
Giving your child the sex talk: Embarrassing  
  
Finding out your child does drugs: Disappointing  
  
Buying a credit card to buy everything for your child's needs and wants: SELL YOUR SOUL!  
  
Buy a Master Card!  
  
~End of Radio Commercial~  
  
~Radio Commercial~  
  
Man: Relive the amazing story of a movie you once loved. A movie that filled your heart with joy and love, a movie called The Wizard of Oz. But now watch the new, fully re-mastered version of "The Ghetto Wizard of Oz" coming to theaters. A full star cast including...  
  
Mariah Carey as... Dorothy Boy George as... The Tin Man Christopher Walken as... The Scarecrow Micheal Jackson as... The Lion Verne Troyer (Mini Me) as... Todo Lisa Kudrow as... Glenda The American Juniors as... The Munchkins Hilary Clinton as... The Wicked Witch of the West Drew Carey as... The Flying Monkeys (all 1,000,000,000 of them) Gilbert Godfre(Problem Child) as... The Ghetto Wizard of Oz  
  
Coming summer 2004  
  
~End of Radio Commercial~  
  
Announcement: (Scream voice) What's your favorite radio show? I don't believe I've heard of that term before. (Clip from Song) I know you like this dirty pop, this must be... (Brain's voice) Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering? (Little boy's voice) Think of love as your urinary track, when you drink a cup of chocolate milk it's like your in love and when your going pee, that's when the romance ends! (Clip from song) I just can't get you out of my head, boy your lovin' is all I think about... Hour of Love with Hiei Love, now you know you've reached limbo.  
  
Hiei: I'm Hiei Love at ninety-nine point nine, The Yu! An hour of hopeless devoted love sicken, boat riding, kissy kissy, advice from yours six feet under to you the ummmm viewers, yes, that's what your called!  
  
*I Care 4 You by Aaliyah starts*  
  
*I Care 4 You ends*  
  
*Here With Me by Dido starts*  
  
*Here With Me ends*  
  
Hiei: *Being forced to say this* We play the best love music on your radio. *Long pause* Tonight unfortunately has a theme, love! Let's jump straight to the first caller of the night. You're on the air...  
  
Governor Schwarzenegger: *excited voice* I want to grope you Hiei! *Hangs up*  
  
Hiei: ... Hn...  
  
Intern: Wow, Hiei Love, we're famous!  
  
Hiei: [BLEEEEEEP BLEEP BLEEEEEEEP]!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHUT UP stupid ex-Dell intern!  
  
Misty: "Hi Hiei Love just wondering why are you doing a Love Advice show anyway? Tell me please cause I like you better being Double O Hiei!? Oh ya the love question thing, My father wants me to marry a guy he's 27 and rich BUT I"M ONLY 13!What should I do? Kill my dad or something? Or kill the guy?"  
  
Hiei: Yes... Double O Hiei that was my name before Ubaba stole it from me... "Green Fried Tomatoes" watch and learn! *Evil laugh*  
  
Misty: So that is it?  
  
Hiei: Don't forget to Mooch off of his big ol' bank account before you decide to.... JUST WATCH AND LEARN!!! Next caller...  
  
Ryou: "Is it ok to love two men at the same time from??"  
  
Hiei: From?  
  
Ryou: I can't explain any further, just help me please, I feel.... so naughty and helpless.  
  
Hiei: Incest is WRONG! Hello, you're on the air with Hiei Love.  
  
Kuwabara: Not that I need your help, I just need help cause you help the helpless!  
  
Hiei: .... *The noise of a sword being sharpened can be heard*  
  
Kuwabara: "Hey shrimp, I don't think Yukina realizes I love her, what should I do?!"  
  
Hiei: I created a song *sings* If you finger got cut off, raise your stub, if you finger got cut off, raise your stub, if you finger got cut off and you bleed all on yourself, then your finger got cut off so raise your stub.  
  
Kuwabara: What is that suppose to do with helping me?  
  
Hiei: *still singing* If your leg is broken now, lift your leg, if your leg is broken now, lift your leg, if your leg is broken now and the bone is sticking out, then your leg is broken now so lift your leg. If your guts are hanging out, push them in, if your guts are hanging out, push them in, if your guts are hanging out and you show them to your friend, then your guts are sticking out so push them in. If your head got chopped off, you are dead, if your head got chopped off, you are dead, if your head got chopped off and your body hits the floor, then your head got chopped off so you are dead.  
  
Kuwabara: EH? Well why would you want me to sing about killing, is that the way to a woman's heart?  
  
Hiei: No you incompetent and ignorant jackass, that is what I will do to you if you call here again and trust me, it won't be as happy as the song makes it seem... Let's listen to something more, let's just listen to music.  
  
*Ashita e no Melody by CHAKA starts*  
  
*Ashita e no Melody ends*  
  
Hiei: Your still here... at The Yu at ninety-nine point nine.  
  
Rumi: "If a guy likes a guy but that guy likes you, but you don't want anything to do with the guy who likes you but you are in mad love with the guy who likes him, what do you do?"  
  
Hiei: Kill people with the perfect body parts and make yourself a new best friend.  
  
Rumi: But...  
  
Hiei: What you want better advice?  
  
Rumi: Yes please...  
  
Hiei: One word, dominatrix! ... *Yawn*  
  
Rumi: What will that do the guy I like and for me?  
  
Hiei: *Hangs up on Rumi* Hn. Hello?  
  
Alex: Hello Hiei Love! I've got a question for you.  
  
Hiei: Spill it. BARK, do whatever your kind does.  
  
Alex: "What if I said that I just broke up with my boyfriend, who was sweet, funny...fat. And I like my best friends ex and my other best friends ex and I can't chose, the first guy probably doesn't know I'm alive, and the second guy probably doesn't know I'm alive either. What should I do?"  
  
Hiei: Gain 200 pounds, then they'll have no choice but to notice you and you can sit on them. Remember, fast food goes straight to your ass. I'll be back with more advice to make your ma ma scream after this commercial break.  
  
~Radio Commercial~  
  
*On death row*  
  
Man: Hey are you dying?  
  
Convicted felon: I'm gonna be frying.  
  
Man: You lying?  
  
Convicted felon: I'm crying  
  
Man: Doing my best to make you feel better, well trying  
  
Advertiser: Even good foot soles can help a felon feel their best jellen before their brain becomes melon cause there is no tellen when sellen drugs in Magellan could send you to jail like Ellen who is the felon and soon will be yellen.  
  
~End of Radio Commercial  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
diamonddustx: Hmmm.... Now imagine Hiei in a strawberry suit, don't ask me why cause I don't know why... Hope you enjoyed the chapter. I know it wasn't that long if you don't count the commercials, but send more, more questions! Please Review! 


	5. More

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho or the various other characters the show up.  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
Sorry for the late update but with lacking of questions for Hiei Love to respond to, it puts a halt on the updating... So this chapter will have the couple of questions that were asked and made up questions which is no fun...  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
Chi: Hello... I... am... Chi... and... your... listening... to... ninety... nine... point... nine... The... Yu! Coming... next... is... your... favorite... guy... Hiei... Love... with... Hour... of... Love! I... am... going... home... now... enjoy... the... rest... of... your... favorite... music... at... your... favorite... radio... station... bye... bye... Hideki... Hedeki... Hedeki... Hedeki... Hideki... Hideki... Hideki!!!  
  
Somomo: *can hear in background* Warning Warning!  
  
~Radio Commercial~  
  
*singing*  
  
Standing on the corner making passes at the guys...  
  
Standing on the corner giving all the guys the eye...  
  
Standing on the corner selling your body away...  
  
Standing on the corner getting escorted to a hotel...  
  
Old Navy Skimpy Painter's Pants are here!  
  
Only $4.99 - $6.99  
  
Look expensive for cheap!  
  
~End of Radion Commercial~  
  
Announcement: In a radio station, far, far away, you've come to Hour of Love with Hiei Love. (Austin Power's voice) Did you just soil yourself? (Clip from McDonnald's song) Put a smile on, put a smile on, everybody come on, put a smile on, Because I think I'm falling for you. (Clip from song) How dare you say that my behavior is unacceptable So condescending unnecessarily critical. What is love, just your heart being ripped up and squatched like a bug with a shoe! (Clip from song) Oh, and if you know how I like it Would you call my name and give it to me right (Bob Dole's voice) Hiei Love, he's not a stalker... he's your cure to erectal disfunction!  
  
Hiei: This is Hiei Love and some reason your gathered around your room, in front of your radio, listening to my voice, speaking, talking to you and your wondering why isn't my radio blowing up in my face. Well I can't awsner that question but I can play a song.  
  
*Fell in Love With a Girl by The White Strips starts*  
  
*Fell in Love With a Girl ends*  
  
*Underneath It All by No Doubt starts*  
  
*Underneath It All ends*  
  
Hiei: This is The Yu at ninety-nine point nine and this is Hour of Love with Hiei love now appearing in pangea! Hello caller, your on that air, ask your question and shove it up your ass.  
  
Touya: *Disguising voice* Hello Hiei love, I, well my question is that my boyfriend wants to get surgery down under , you know where the sun doesn't shin to make his... bigger and I don't want him to but he wants to, how can I get him to reconsider?  
  
Hiei: Act now and send him a personality in a box! Next caller!  
  
Sora: "If you like a guy who doesn't notice you, and he likes a guy who likes me, what should I do Hiei Love?"  
  
Hiei: Become the next Lorena Bobbit.  
  
Caller: "Hiei? Hiei love? OH MY GOD!! I cannot tell you how much I am DROOLING! Okay, here is my question, if you fall in love with a radio talk show host . . . how do you get that violent, raging, EVIL, talk show host to love you back? Or... at least kill whoever doesn't put him on air 24/7?"  
  
Hiei: Hn. First, you have rabies.  
  
Caller: And?  
  
Hiei: DON'T [BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP] interrupt me again!  
  
Caller: Sorry.  
  
Hiei: There are no paracites so there is no hosts you speak of and kill the creator of the show.  
  
Caller: Whahuh?  
  
Hiei: Your on the air like the last vermin before you and the dead corps before her and the pile of dog crap hefore him and the flea sized brained gorrilla hermaphridite before her.  
  
Tristan: If you and a guy are fighting for the same girl and I want to win her heart, what should I do?  
  
Hiei: Make her a chocolate ex-lax shake.  
  
Tristan: I'm confused.  
  
Hiei: You got SARS.  
  
*Erotica by Madonna starts*  
  
*Erotica ends*  
  
Hiei: I was listening to radio the other day and I heard this song from a group called the Barenaked Ladies but they sounded more like men! Well this song was amuzing to me, they sang about chimpanzees on postcards, a stupid but catchy tune, you could say I like it. So listen to it or DIE!  
  
*Another Postcard by Barenaked Ladies starts*  
  
*Another Postcard ends*  
  
Intern: Hiei I hop you know you can't theaten the audience.  
  
Hiei: What the [BLEEP] are you doing on talking on my show?  
  
Intern: Telling your what is wrong from right.  
  
Hiei: Do I have to throw you in that freezer for a few hours again? *You can hear screaming in the background* Yes?  
  
Fredward: Hewwos Hiei Love! My boyfriend likes to wear condoms while having sex, is that normal?  
  
Hiei: Only if they are paper or plastic.  
  
Fredward: OH NO then I might be pregnant!  
  
Hiei: Soon it'll pop out of your chest killing you instantly!  
  
Fredward: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! *hangs up*  
  
Hiei: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
*Sexual by Amber starts*  
  
*Sexual ends*  
  
*Kiss From A Rose by Seal starts*  
  
*Kiss From A Rose ends*  
  
~Radio Commercial~  
  
*Mentos jingle theme*  
  
'Doo doo doo doo, doo-doo, do-Wah!'  
  
It doesn't matter what comes, fresh goes better in life, and Depends is fresh and cleanliness.  
  
Nothing gets to you, staying fresh staying cool, with Depends, you're always safe so let go.  
  
Fresh goes better, Depends freshness, fresh goes better with Depends, even when full of shit!  
  
Depends, the adult diapers!  
  
~End of Radio Commercial~  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
diamonddustx: Hope you enjoyed this chapter of Hiei Love though it is shorter than wanted.... Don't forget to send your questions! Please Review. 


	6. Interruptions

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho or any other anime characters that appear.  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
Sorry for the long update, I'm lacking behind I know.... Oh and this isn't an on the air chapter.  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
No face: *can hear through intercom* ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah ah, ah ah ah ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.  
  
Koto: Hey Hiei! Such a beautiful day isn't it?  
  
Hiei: *sitting down looking around the room* There is no windows in here so shut up!  
  
Koto: Geez Hiei, lighten up a bit *walks over to Hiei* It's just small talk.  
  
Hiei: Hn. Then keep it that way!  
  
Koto: *sits on Hiei's lap* You know...  
  
Hiei: What the hell are you doing?  
  
Koto: I'm being cute and seductive?  
  
Hiei: Get off or DIE!  
  
Koto: You know you like this *slaps her thigh*  
  
Hiei: *cringes*  
  
Koto: *There is a buzz at her desk* OH MY! Look at the the time, it's your meeting with the producers!  
  
Hiei: What do you think I'm waiting for?  
  
Koto: To be agressive and make hot sexy passionate monkey mad love to me under my desk?  
  
Hiei: *sticks his middle finger at Koto*  
  
Koto: Oh Hiei! I love you too!  
  
Hiei: *walks into meeting room* Hn....  
  
Big 5: Welcome back Hiei, sit, sit, have some donuts.  
  
Hiei: *sits and looks at the donuts strangely* What do you want with me?  
  
Big 5: Oh we're just having a weekly meeting with you, like we will every week to talk about your shows progress.  
  
Hiei: ...  
  
Big 5: We noticed you have a strong and high rating levels but we want MORE!  
  
Hiei: You fools always want more!  
  
Big 5: Oh come on Hiei, it's not like we're bad guys *turns over and looks at you, the reader*  
  
Hiei: Are we done?  
  
Big 5: No, we haven't discussed the future of Hour of Love with Hiei Love.  
  
Hiei: I know the show's name that I do!  
  
Big 5: KOTO GET IN HERE!  
  
Koto: *runs in* Yes sir?  
  
Big 5: Why did we hire that Dj that is on the air right now?  
  
Koto: Which one sir?  
  
Big 5: NO FACE!  
  
Koto: Cause you all thought he was a blob of dark chocolate pudding and wanted to eat him.  
  
Big 5: ...... *looks embarrassed* Well fire him! He sucks! Give him a trip to Hawaii and have one of our bodygaurds go with him to push him in a volcano!  
  
Koto: Yes sir, right away sir. *walks out*  
  
Big 5: Alright, back to our meeting.  
  
Hiei: ....  
  
Big 5: Well we have an idea we want to share with you about your show.  
  
Hiei: Can I go?  
  
Big 5: Stuff that jelly filled donut in your mouth, now!  
  
Hiei: Screw you.  
  
Big 5: Do it!  
  
Hiei: NO!  
  
Big 5: Hahahaha, your fun to play with! Anyways, we want you to have a guest star on your show everyday! We've been getting many calls from those famous celeberty people and they want to be on your show, they really like it. Your show is a hit!  
  
Hiei: Big whoop!  
  
Big 5: So we'd like to have them appear on Hour of Love with Hiei Love. Whatcha think?  
  
Koto: *comes in interrupting* Sorry to bother you but Hiei, you ahve a phone call.  
  
Hiei: Who is it?  
  
Koto: I dunno, I didn't bother to ask.  
  
Hiei: Fine I'll see who it is. *starts to leave*  
  
Big 5: Um Hiei, we have a phone here.  
  
Hiei: Where?  
  
Big 5: We live in the golden age of technology see *a phone lifts up from the table showing itself*  
  
Hiei: *doesn't look impressed* Till robots get minds of their owns and pull a matrix!  
  
Big 5: Well there is a robot already created it's a work of art! But hurry with your phone call *glares*  
  
Hiei: Hello?  
  
Sichu: Hello?  
  
Hiei: ...  
  
Sichu: Is this Hiei Love from Hour of Love with Hiei Love?  
  
Hiei: Who wants to know?  
  
Sichu: OH MY GOD!!!!!!! IT IS YOU! I am you biggest fan.  
  
Hiei: Bye.  
  
Sichu: NO! Don't hang up I think I'm pregnant with your one night stand baby!  
  
Hiei: I haven't had sex in years.  
  
Big 5: Oh my...  
  
Sichu: Oh my...  
  
Hiei: Leave me alone.  
  
Sichu: But I... I need you, want you, HELLO?  
  
Hiei: *hangs up phone*  
  
Big 5: Who was that?  
  
Hiei: Hell if I know.  
  
Big 5: So what do you think about our idea?  
  
Hiei: If it smells like crap and it looks like crap them most likely it is crap and your idea smeels and looks like crap!  
  
Big 5: We're glad you like it, be prepared tomorrow, your guest will be *BEEPS OUT NAME like Kill Bill style with The Brides name*  
  
Hiei: I didn't agree to it.  
  
Big 5: *BEEEEEPS NAME OUT* will be so glad to know that she will be welcome with open arms to your show! Alright, bye bye, we have more important stuf to attend to! OUT!  
  
Hiei: Bunch of assholes! *walks out giving them the finger*  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
diamondustx: Hope you enjoyed the chapter, I'm making everything I planned on doing a chapter early! Please, please review and tell me what you think! Heh heh, I should be updating real soon! 


	7. Guest Staring

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho or any of the characters that appear especially Sakura from Card Captor Sakura.  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
Don't take Hiei Love's advice seriously.  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
~Radio Commercial~  
  
Little Marik: Can we have some chocolate milk?  
  
Ishizu: May we?  
  
Marik's Father: It sounds too enjoyable but I'll let it go this time... How about Hershey chocolate milk!  
  
Odeion: You're still using Hershey chocolate syrup for the kid's chocolate milk?  
  
Marik's Father: Shut up servant! *The noise of a whip can be heard*  
  
Odeion: I only mean to help! Here, this is Novacain; it has more nutreints and all the essental vitamins that a kid needs unlike that brand name kind!  
  
Marik's Father: Let me take a look at that. *few second pause* you're right! Here kids, now drink up to the last drop or I'll spank you!  
  
Little Marik and Ishizu: YAY!  
  
Odeion: Don't you feel better that you gave your children the right healthy kind of milk?  
  
Marik's Father: Yes I do, so throw that other crap out and buy more of this new stuff! What do you want?  
  
Little Marik and Ishizu: *you can hear kids running over* More Novocain PLEASE!  
  
Marik's Father: Sure!  
  
~End of Radio Commercial~  
  
Announcement: (Clip from song) Oompa Loompa doompadah dee if you are wise you'll listen to (Uma Thurman's voice) Get Even? Even-Steven? I would have to kill you, go upstairs to your daughter's room, kill her, then wait for the good Dr. Bell to get home, and kill him.....that'd be about square. Are you always this charming or am I just lucky? (Clip from song) Straight up now tell me do you really want to love me forever, oh oh oh... It's Hour of Love with Hiei Love on ninety-nine point nine The Yu! (Clip from song) My love is like wo, my kiss is like wo, my touch is like wo... Hey, hey, hey, what is going on here!?! Hiei love, he's not your average gaundy.  
  
Hiei: Welcome to Hour of Love. I'm your host Hiei Love of course you blundering idiots out there! Today we are welcoming our first guest. Huh, a caller already?  
  
Governor Schwarzenegger: Why you do that, its stupid idea! I'll be back.  
  
Hiei: .... Well considering that I'd get fired for not doing what the producers of this show, wait that isn't a bad idea then I might get my old job back! *interrupted*  
  
Governor Schwarzenegger: *calls back* You better not leave cause I'm the Governor of California and I'll grope you!!!  
  
Hiei: STOP CALLING!!!!!!!!!!! I'll kill you who ever you are!  
  
*My Heart Beats Like A Drum (Dum Dum Dum) by ATC starts*  
  
*My Heart Beats Like A Drum (Dum Dum Dum) ends*  
  
Hiei: Yes, we're back unfortunately. Like I was saying, our first guest is Sakura. She is supposedly famous for her movies and her show called Card Captor Sakura. Is it just coincidence that your character and you share the same name?  
  
Sakura: Well you see the show was made for me so no, it's not a coincidence that our names are the same.  
  
Hiei: Uh huh, you like to hear yourself talk...  
  
Sakura: No, but you probably do.  
  
Hiei: I can kill you.  
  
Sakura: I have maze. But we all love your radio character!  
  
Hiei: I'm not a character! .... Hn! So what are you here for?  
  
Sakura: Well I'm moving to Alabama or some state like that so I can marry at a young age to my middle school sweet heart throb boyfriend Lee.  
  
Hiei: And that deals with this show how?  
  
Sakura: OH! Well I'm going to be doing a film named Card Captor Sakura.  
  
Hiei: I could care less! Here is a song and then we'll go to some callers!  
  
*A Sorta Fairytale by Tori Amos starts*  
  
*A Sorta fairytale ends*  
  
Hiei: Yes?  
  
Jamie: What do you do, when your boyfriend cheats on you with another girl?"  
  
Hiei: You know that one actress, I can't remember her name.  
  
Jamie: Wynona Ryder!?!  
  
Hiei: Exactly! Go to a very expensive store with that girl your boyfriend cheated on you with and when your in the store, slip little items that can fit into her purse or pockets or both and then when you leave she'll get thrown in jail! Next caller.  
  
Ashtan: "What would you call love? If you know, please tell! And, I wonder, do YOU like anybody more than a friend?"  
  
Hiei: ....  
  
Sakura: I love my movie star boyfriend who is my real boyfriend in life... Lee  
  
Hiei: Shut up! Love is, well the dictionary is never wrong! Love = 1) Strong affection 2) Object of this 3) in tennis, a score of zero!  
  
Sakura: I think Love is...  
  
Hiei: We don't care! We're going way into the vault of the old school jams with this song on The Yu...  
  
*I Wanna Love You Forever by Jessica Simpson*  
  
*Let Love Lead The Way by the Spice Girls starts*  
  
*Let Love Lead The Way ends*  
  
Sakura: We're BACK!!!!!  
  
Hiei: [BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP]!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Intern: Hiei, we had that talk remember!  
  
Hiei: .... HN!  
  
Sora: "what do you think of your fangirls Hiei?"  
  
Hiei: It's Hiei Love and your one of my fan girls as you so put it!  
  
Sakura: Hoee....  
  
Hiei: Huh?  
  
Sakura: Oh nothing, heheh...  
  
Shishiwalkamaru: "If I like a woman who is old and unsitely but WAS young looking when I met her but WAS in love with a freak named Toguro and isn't alive anymore . . . what should I do?"  
  
Hiei: Grave rob her tomb. And find a girl with her reincarnated soul, do a spell, switch the soul to the bones and the soil that was on her grave from the girl and then make the bones and soil into the body of yours truly.  
  
Shishiwalkamaru: That works?  
  
Hiei: See if I care! This is Hour of Love with Hiei love on ninety-nine point nine The Yu, caller your on the air.  
  
Pikachu: "Pika pika? PIKACHU! Pi pika pi! PIKA PI! PIKACHU PI! o^.^O PIKKAA!"  
  
Sakura: I'll answer your question!  
  
Hiei: ...  
  
Sakura: I think you...  
  
Hiei: So you've fallen in love with your trainer and you want to know how to tell HIM! OH MY GOD!!!!!!! Look here your criminally insane senior citizen, that's just WRONG! Go slap yourself and jump off a cliff!  
  
Sakura: I can't believe you get perverts calling your show!  
  
Hiei: ....  
  
*Waiting For Tonight by Jennifer Lopez starts*  
  
*Waiting For Tonight ends*  
  
~Radio Commercial~  
  
*song plays in background* Get straight.... Get straight  
  
Woman: Now you can get your hair straight with the Conair Ion Shine Hot Air Dryer and Boar Bristle Straightener that also turns you straight! So while you're straightening that mess of a hair, like bed head, it'll instantly turn your feelings for the same sex into what society thinks is BEST, being straight! With Conair's new straightener, it'll fix that natural curl that your hair does, or if you curled your hair and you want it straight again, it'll fix that AND you sexual dysfunction for liking people of the same sex! The effects last for almost twenty-four hours so when your at home, it's okay to be gay! Conair, we turn you straight!  
  
*song plays in background* Get straight.... Get straight  
  
~End of Radio Commercial~  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ diamonddustx: I forgot which product from conair that is... the commercial was just sooo funny because of that background music! Anyways, sorry for the late update... *sigh* No promises but I will get back on the horse and upate a lot! Even my other stories I haven't touched in months! Hope you enjoyed the chapter, please review makes the writer keep writing! hehehe 


	8. Eighth Night

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho nor do I own any of the other anime or game characters that appear in this chapter.  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
Don't take Hiei's advice serious  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
~Radio Commercial~  
  
For dry...  
  
Red, itchy...  
  
Puffy, swolen...  
  
Crusted, blood shot  
  
Watery, pussing  
  
And pink eyes use Citric Acid!  
  
From the makers of Clear Eyes comes a new brand of relief from the common eye annoyances, in orange flavor!  
  
~End of Radio Commercial~  
  
Announcement: Say hello and kiss your feet! You've out lasted your welcome but you've tuned into Hour of Love with Hiei Love. (Clip from Song) Once more, you open the door, And you're here in my heart, And my heart will go on and on to The Yu at ninety-nine point nine. Oh stop your whining you big baby!! Show the love, where's the weapons? Hiei Love he only comes outside on groundhog's day!  
  
Hiei: Welcome, yes. Tonight is another night of Hiei Love so STOP sending me fan mail!  
  
*Hey Ya by Outkast starts*  
  
*Hey Ya ends*  
  
Hiei: Tonight's guest is Yuna! She is staring in the film Final Fantasy X-2 coming on November 18. Blah, blah, yadda yadda... So Halloween was the other night and it snowed, it reminded me of my home, it snowed there a lot!!! I miss it...  
  
Yuna: Thank you for having me on your show, but it's not a movie, it's a game.  
  
Hiei: Game, movie, they're all the same!  
  
Yuna: Well Halloween was great, I went out with my three best friends, and we walked in the snow almost all around the town we live at. We where the only ones walking, other people were being driven but we had dedication and it was one of the most memorible moments in my life.  
  
Hiei: Oh just shut up, I didn't ask you about YOUR Halloween esperience! So, your in this gamoive or whatever you call it and it's a sequal?  
  
Yuna: Yes.  
  
Hiei: .... Well, tell my viewers about the mogame you star in?  
  
Yuna: Yes.  
  
Hiei: ...  
  
Yuna: Well you see, FFX-2 takes place...  
  
Hiei: Thank you for that brilliant information I didn't need to know. Let's listen to a song!  
  
Yuna: Yes.  
  
*Shine We Are by BoA starts*  
  
*Shine We Are ends*  
  
Hiei: I'll take a caller:  
  
Jet: In my line of work, it's hard to find a woman that I like, well I see lots of pretty ladies but I never have the time to approach them. I work with two, one is a teen and the other is, well I won't go there! One day I want to settle down and have a family, have any meaningful advice?  
  
Hiei: Buy a RV and park it outside of Wal-mart and live there! Next caller, you're on the air.  
  
Sichu: *disguised voice* UHHH, Hiei, Hello Hiei, I love you and I wanna [BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP]  
  
Intern: Please caller, refrain from saying things like that on the air, we get in trouble for it.  
  
Hiei: ... For once he is right! Next caller!  
  
Yuna: Yes.  
  
Sichu: You can't get rid of me my Hiei!  
  
Hiei: YOU!?! [BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP]  
  
Yuna: Yes!  
  
Hiei: Why don't we see who else is on the line. What's your name?  
  
Caller #1: I can't say... I have fallen in love with my teacher who is an alien.  
  
Hiei: Then live happily ever after with your glowing green man eating babies!  
  
*Eyes On Me by Faye Wong starts*  
  
*Eyes On Me ends*  
  
Yuna: I like to sign autographs for people.  
  
Hiei: Let's see, why don't you sign... my ass [beeeeeeeep]!!!!!!!!!  
  
Yuna: Yes. *You hear struggling noises coming from the radio*  
  
Hiei: *cough cough* Well that'll teach you!!!!  
  
Intern: Thank god that wasn't me...  
  
Hiei: *You hear screaming and struggling sounds in the background* There, my business is finished!  
  
BT: I have told my feelings to the person I love but he doesn't feel the same way, how can I get over him?  
  
Hiei: Buy a Furby.  
  
BT: Will that help?  
  
Hiei: Exactly, and buy a giga-pet!  
  
*Obsession by See-saw starts*  
  
*Obsession ends*  
  
Hiei: Who are you? You're on the air dumbass!  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^  
  
diamonddustx: I hope you enjoyed the chapter!!! Please Review. 


	9. Disaster

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho or any anime characters that appear. Nor do I own Martha Stewart.  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
Remember; don't take Hiei's advice seriously! I'm only a little half way through with Hiei Love, and I'm still accepting questions and DON'T worry... Kurama will be coming... just a bit later!!! Due to a complaint, this chapter will not have a anime guest star! ENJOY! ^___^ Poor Hiei....  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
~Radio Commercial~  
  
Come down to the Madison Event Center for the winter holidays! Bring the whole family, even the extended family for this year's special treat! Last week you went to pin the Elf on the Santa and now the next coming event...  
  
Turkey Catching!!  
  
For only a expensively cheap price, fulfill your child's dream or even yours buy getting in the fenced area and catch those turkeys! Don't worry, if you catch a turkey, you'll be able to skin it, gut it, cook it and then finally kill it! Be sure not to miss this thanksgiving event going on through the twenty-fifth to the thirtieth of the month! So come on down to the Madison Event Center, its family fun!  
  
~End of Radio Commercial~  
  
Announcement: Low on life, then turn to Hour Love with Hiei Love and you'll get high once again! (Clip from a song) Body to body Funk to funky We know how to rock your party. I too, love you! If I had a nickel for every time you said that. Hiei Love, he didn't join a boy band, he destroyed them!  
  
Hiei: This is The Yu at ninety-nine point nine and I'm Hiei Love and this is a show you listening to.  
  
*Shut Up by Black Eyed Peas starts*  
  
*Shut Up ends*  
  
Hiei: ... Our special guest for tonight's show is Martha Stewart.  
  
Martha: I had nothing to do with Enron!  
  
Hiei: So what is this Enron?  
  
Martha: Oh nothing.... I didn't tell you could put the raspberry pecan butter on those chocolate swirled carrot cakes!!!!! DAMN YOU!  
  
Hiei: ... I was told the producers are to blame for this whole incident.  
  
Martha: YOU SHOULD BE ASSHAMED OF YOURSELF!  
  
Hiei: I'll hurt you...  
  
Martha: *You hear a slapping noise* Don't touch those spiced pretciled donuts!  
  
Hiei: *under his breath* Martha Falker.  
  
Martha: What was that?  
  
Hiei: So you can here to talk about love?  
  
Martha: Yes, love for the food I make, love for my show, love for me and love for everything about K-Mart! I'm a perfectionist.  
  
Hiei: ... HN! LEAVE!  
  
Martha: These vegetarian raviolis haven't finished cooking.  
  
Hiei: [BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP] this place is gonna burn!!!!!!!!!! YOU get the EXTINISHER!  
  
Inter: I love... HUH huh? OH, Oh, yeah...  
  
Martha: My boss Mister Saytan tells me what is best. *You hear a timer go off* Oh there you go, the cookies are finished!  
  
Hiei: We don't have a oven here!!!!  
  
Martha: That's why I'm using your radio equipment and their circuits to start a home made fire! Reminds me of the old days.  
  
Hiei: Nn!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll save us, NO wait, I'll save myself! *Crash*  
  
Intern: Hiei Love, we have callers waiting on the lines.  
  
Hiei: Hn!  
  
Martha: Once these doll house carousels are built, we'll move to the salad meat loaf with seasoned cow tongue.  
  
Hiei: *Bang* Take that Biotch!  
  
Martha: I just love making things. *robotic voice* You cannot terminate me, I've come to kill Sarah O'Connor and her son to prevent.... *glitch sounds* prevent... pre... butter... living at... nine...  
  
Hiei: That's better.  
  
Intern: Umm Hiei you just KILLED MARTHA! WE'RE GOIGN TO GET A CLASS ACTION LAW SUIT!  
  
Hiei: She's still twitching.  
  
Martha: You can't kill me, heh heh heh, would you mind getting those rolls of bread that I drenched in wine that is over the fire. They are done.  
  
Hiei: For once, I want a caller!  
  
Kuribo: "(Call is being translated by Prof. Oak who seems to think he knows how to do this kind of thing) If I fall in love with someone who is not a fake image like me, and that person doesn't even seem to know I'm alive, which I'm not, what do I do?"  
  
Hiei: Mark your territory on the kitchen floor; it's bound to get attention.  
  
Kuribo: That's not right.  
  
Hiei: Watch Gili with that Beniffer guy.  
  
Kuribo: THANKS!  
  
Hiei: This is Hour of Love with Hiei Love on The Yu at ninety-nine point nine. You're on the air.  
  
Someone: "If I fall in love with a person who claims to love me back . . . only I don't really believe they do. How should I go about really finding out without them getting mad?"  
  
Hiei: Dig a hole big enough to fit him, throw him in the hole and fill it in with dirt and conduct a lie decetor test on him. If you don't get the truth, the vultors will.  
  
~Interruption~  
  
This is a national radio test.  
  
*You hear a long beeping sound for a period of five minutes*  
  
~End of Interruption~  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ diamonddustx: Hope you enjoyed the chapter! Please review. 


	10. Shortened Session

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho or any anime characters that appear. Don't follow Hiei Love's advice!!!  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
~Radio Commercial~  
  
L'Oreal introduces Visible Youth Cream that revitalizes you skin with the special ingredients copper, iron, zinc and whale fat! Putting it on a upward motion lifts your skin to make it youthful as ever letting the cream smooth into your pores to give your face a tanned yet young look! It moisturizes to keep your skin at its very refreshed feeling. Say goodbye to those wrinkles and fine lines while it protects your skin from blemishes and blackheads. Listen to a couple of satisfied costumers that have tried the new product.  
  
May: Traveling all over with my new best friend gets really rough, especially on my skin and now when I wash my face, I just rub a little bit of the marvelous cream on my face and it makes me look better than ever, I totally look like a 5 years old so when I grow to be twenty, I'll look ten!  
  
Death: Being all bones and a large hooded cape, I went into a beauty store only to get kicked out for being deathly ugly but on my way out I was able to steal a can of this marvelous product! I tried it on and suddenly I've grown these layers of fungus that you humans call skin and now I look so good that people are attracted to my looks but for some reason when they touch me, they fall down asleep. I try waking them up but they look so tired so I lay them on a bench and leave! I have no friends but now I have my face and I love me.  
  
~End of Radio Commercial~  
  
Announcement: (Clip from song) Get on the floor, baby lose control, Just work your body and let it go, If you wanna party, just. Grab some cake and shove it down an old senior citizen's mouth you're listening to Hour of Love with Hiei Love on ninety-nine point nine The Yu! (Girl's voice) You really are good with your hands (Clip from Song) Sugar sugar how you get so fly? Sugar sugar how you get so fly? Hiei Love, he'll jump out of your cake and in a g-string!  
  
Hiei: Tonight is a special night because I'm once again ALONE unlike those other days with guests and unfortunately I will have one tomorrow. Call your local radio station and PROTEST against the movement! Tonight we will get a head start on you babbling people who call yourselves callers!  
  
Caller 1: "If your friend loves this guy you know but he loved this other guy but that guy stalks and loves you, would you kill that guy torture him?"  
  
Hiei: Send him a piece of beef in the mail.  
  
Caller 1: "If you knew a friend who thought was a girl but is a guy and is in love with your best friend but she's in love with his sister, do you just kill them all?"  
  
Hiei: Go to a zoo and jump into the lion's den. Next caller!  
  
Woman: "If I fell in love . . . how would I know?"  
  
Hiei: You get that cramping in the side of your gut.  
  
Woman: But isn't that when you have gas.  
  
Hiei: You're confusing the two situations around. It's when you stub your toe and you yell out obscenities.  
  
Kuwabara: ". . . Heehee . . . HIEI'S ON THE RADIO AND HIS NAME IS HIEI LOVE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"  
  
Hiei: What did I tell you gorilla look-a-like with the brain of a maggot!!! When I get off of work, you're in for a lot of trouble!  
  
Kuwabara: Hehehehe, Hiei Love, that's classic man, you can't even find a person to love! Hey, Hey, Yukina, stop doing, uhhhhhh. I gotta go! Ahhh that feels good, Keep it up!  
  
Hiei: WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!!! For that, I need to. COME HERE YOU!  
  
Intern: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! NOOOOOO, Stop it, AHHH AHHHH!!!! Don't choke me, noooo oooo ooooooooo! *Crash out of the window* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Blasting off again!  
  
Hiei: I'll take a caller after the beep.  
  
Amarie: "If I love a dude, and he loves someone else, should I kill the other person? If so, how should I go about doing it?"  
  
Hiei: Send the other guy into the Soviet Union to join their army.  
  
Amarie: Ummm..  
  
Hiei: I never gave a beep, shut up! Rrrrrrr! That Kuwabara, I've had it up to here with that bug, its time to spray RAID ON HIM! I have no time for a show, I must.  
  
~Radio Commercial~  
  
Smell bad?  
  
Putting on deodorant but it doesn't cover the smell?  
  
Do you use J.Lo's fragrance sprays over the deodorant to block your odor?  
  
Have you taken a shower in the last day?  
  
If nothing helps, try Celine Dion's new fragrance Celine Dion. Five lucky fans will win a chance to go to Celine Dion's show in Vegas and meet her back stage, so what are you wearing? Celine Dion's new fragrance called Celine Dion will be like your wearing her skin but just the smell.  
  
~End of Radio Commercial~  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~ diamonddustx: Hope you enjoyed the chapter!!!! Someone is coming soon. be prepared! Please review and no more killing questions for Hiei to answer! 


	11. Contests and Kurama

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho.  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
Off air chapter and more ^____^  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
RADIO STATION  
  
Sichu: *demented stalker voice* Welcome Hiei, sit down, take a load off, talk to me.  
  
Hiei: . What happened to Koto?  
  
Sichu: She was. permanently fired from her l. I mean her job. I'm her replacement, Sichu.  
  
Hiei: Leave me alone.  
  
Sichu: I think she liked you, I couldn't have that.  
  
Hiei: She was over friendly but never interested, plus I didn't like her.  
  
Sichu: I like to hear that, now it you raise your hands up, I'm going to handcuff you to that metal bar.  
  
Hiei: Screw you new girl, work the phones!  
  
Sichu: Only if you watch. *ringing sound* Let me get that.  
  
Person on phone: New girl, we're ready.  
  
Sichu: For?  
  
PoP: For Hiei to come in for the meeting.  
  
Sichu: I'm sorry he isn't available.  
  
PoP: We have a camera in the lounge area, we clearly see him.  
  
Sichu: Damn it! Fine! *hangs up phone*  
  
Hiei: When is the meeting going to start, I'm getting angry!  
  
Sichu: They'll see you now!  
  
Hiei: It's about fucking time! *walks to door and opens it*  
  
Big 5: Welcome Hiei. Grab a seat and maybe a bottle of beer?  
  
Hiei: .  
  
Big 5: Hahaha, of course we're not going to give you beer, it's actually root beer!  
  
Hiei: Hn!  
  
Big 5: We came here to discuss something to you Hiei.  
  
Hiei: Speak! Big 5: Well we're not dogs, Hiei. You'll have to ask kindly. Ginger Snap?  
  
Hiei: .  
  
Big 5: Well *Sichu interrupts*  
  
Sichu: Hello boss' but Hiei has a phone call.  
  
Big 5: We'll take it here.  
  
Sichu: They say they'll only talk to him in the louge.  
  
Big 5: YOU'RE FIRED!  
  
Sichu: You haven't seen the last of me fools! Hiei, I'll make you mine on of these days! *leaves*  
  
Big 5: So back on track Hiei. We found bigger ratings this past week for having guest stars on your show that are famous.  
  
Hiei: So.  
  
Big 5: We have something else for you to do on your show.  
  
Hiei: .  
  
Big 5: Don't be so silent, we want your opinion.  
  
Hiei: You haven't told me what it is.  
  
Big 5: Yes we know, have some caramel popcorn.  
  
Hiei: Can we hurry; I've got things to do.  
  
Big 5: Alright, we want you to have a contest each day for promoting business or products from famous people who are promoting their music or movies or porn.  
  
Hiei: That's doesn't seem too bad. but I hate the idea!  
  
Big 5: We seem to love the idea and it will bring in more viewers during the show. BWAHAHA!  
  
Hiei: If we are done here, I need to buy some socks at the local Target; they're having a sale there.  
  
Big 5: Well it's effective as now, next show you will be giving out prizes.  
  
Hiei: *walks out*  
  
AT TARGET  
  
Hiei: Can you point me to that damn sock area; I've been searching for the last hour in this damn store!  
  
Juri: Sir, have you shopped at a Target before?  
  
Hiei: NEVER!  
  
Juri: Well sir, if you only follow the signs, you'll find them in the men's clothing area, which is at the end right corner of the store near the shoes area.  
  
Hiei: Oh that place.  
  
Juri: Yes, if you need any more help, find someone that works where, we all wear red shirts.  
  
Hiei: Piss off. *walks over to the men's clothing area*  
  
Mysterious Man in Sunglasses: *talking to self* Which pair should I get? Oh come on, it's only for my pajamas!  
  
Hiei: *talking to self* Which pair should I get? Oh come on, it's only for my socks! The Hanes or Fruit of the Looms!  
  
Mysterious Man in Sunglasses: *still talking to self* Now that I have this pair of Sugar Daddy candy pajamas I just need some boxers.  
  
Hiei: *still talking to self* Should I get the gray and white socks or the ones with the red strip by the toes? If it were only easy!!! Maybe Hanes has better quality.  
  
Mysterious Man in Sunglasses: *Once again talking to self* Should I get a package of three boxers or buy three separate pairs of boxers?  
  
Hiei: *Once again talking to self* Red strips!!! That's it!!  
  
Mysterious Man in Sunglasses: *Once again and still talking to self* Silk or regular fabric. Red or white? Packaged or separate? Oh I don't know!  
  
Hiei: *Once again and still talking to self* WHAT, they have sizes!!!!! Small or medium. LARGE!!!!!!!!  
  
Mysterious Man in Sunglasses: *Once again thinking to self still but hardly* Silk has a nice feel on my skin and is sexy and the cotton ones are normal both have buttons on them to keep.  
  
Hiei: *Once again thinking to self still but hardly* I have these sized shoes; then I get small! Time to look at shirts. *turns to the direction of the Mysterious Man in Sunglasses*  
  
Mysterious Man in Sunglasses: *Pondering, Thinking, Wondering* Silk red boxers, it goes with my hair! Now I need to go to the shoe area.*Turns over to walk toward Hiei*  
  
Mysterious Man in Sunglasses/Hiei: *don't see each other because they are concentrating on their items they are going to purchase* . *CRASH!*  
  
Mysterious Man in Sunglasses: I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to.  
  
Hiei: Huh.  
  
Mysterious Man in Glasses: *feels a great attraction to Hiei*  
  
Hiei: Watch where you're going! *looks at Mysterious Man in Glasses and feels a great attraction to him*  
  
Mysterious Man in Glasses: I, I should get off of you.  
  
Hiei: ..yes.  
  
Mysterious Man in Glasses: *takes glasses off* Hello I'm Kurama.  
  
Hiei: Hiei.  
  
Kurama: Let me help you with your stuff.  
  
Hiei: No I got it, don't touch my stuff!  
  
Kurama: Sorry, I. Do you recognize me?  
  
Hiei: What in the hell is that suppose to mean?  
  
Kurama: You don't know? How refreshing that you don't know!!!  
  
Hiei: And I'm Hiei Love the Hour of Love with Hiei Love extraordinaire, HA!  
  
Kurama: Really?  
  
Hiei: .  
  
Kurama: Are you?  
  
Hiei: What? I don't have time to talk to you.  
  
Kurama: Wait!  
  
Hiei: *leaves*  
  
Kurama: *thinks to self* He is cute and I like him, I feel drawn to him* Wait!!! *Drops everything and runs over to Hiei and Kisses him*  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~ diamonddustx: So there you go, Kurama has entered the Target building! Please Review! I hope you enjoyed the chapter; I am still taking love questions for Hiei, so send them in! 


	12. And it Continues

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho or Ryo and Dee from FAKE.  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
Don't take Hiei Love's advice even though it's light this chapter. Hiei is a little OOC this chapter.  
  
~Radio Commercial~  
  
New on demand, a grand new refreshment that is all natural! Bloody water! Taste the sensation of Bloody water, contains ninety-nine percent of water and ten percent cow's blood. Healthy and efficient source of nutrients, and all sterile, everyone will like it! For limited time only, get Bloody water with celebrity blood, everything a collector needs to complete any of their collections. So buy as many as you can and see if you get one special bottle of Bloody water with celebrity blood in it! Available now, Tom Cruise! Chances of getting on with celebrity blood is one in two thousand vials! Also send go to the website to see the information of getting your own pendant to put that special celebrity's blood in it so he or she will be with you no matter where you go!  
  
Girl: I'll trade you a Britney Spears for a Julia Roberts!  
  
~End of Radio Commercial~  
  
Announcement: Kick your butt and cry for mercy! It's the show your parents dare to listen to at night! Hour of Love with Hiei Love on The Yu at ninety- nine point nine. Look out kids, Hiei Love. he might turn your mother on. sexually!!!  
  
Hiei: Welcome to the unimproved show that you like to call Hour of Love. with your host. me! Near the end of the show I will be asking for caller number seven.  
  
Ryo: Hello? I'm here too!  
  
Hiei: Oh yeah, co-host, Ryo. say hello.  
  
Ryo: Hello.  
  
Hiei: Not you, you idiot!  
  
Ryo: .  
  
Hiei: So you star in a live action sitcom show about two cops?  
  
Ryo: Well you see.  
  
Hiei: That's nice, moving on!  
  
Ryo: AH.. Um okay.  
  
Hiei: We'll listen to a couple of songs before taking callers.  
  
*Cosmic Love by Nanase Aikawa starts*  
  
*Cosmic Love ends*  
  
*Automatic by Utada Hikaru starts*  
  
*Automatic ends*  
  
Hiei: We're back.  
  
Girl: Hello? Am I on the air?  
  
Hiei: What do you think huh?  
  
Girl: Right!  
  
Hiei: HN!  
  
Girl: "If I found out my boyfriend was seeing someone else behind by back and I'm also seeing the same girl behind HIS back . . . what should I do to avoid stabbing him in the back? And I don't mean with a knife. Should I continue seeing her? Or should I continue seeing him who's seeing her? Or should I stop seeing them both because they're both cheating on me?"  
  
Hiei: . What is the problem? You're cheating on them yourself! Your cheating on your boyfriend who is cheating on you with this girl who is cheating on you with him who you're having a relationship with as well!  
  
Girl: What should I do though?  
  
Hiei: *pregnant silence* Dump your limp body over a bridge and into that ocean!  
  
Girl: My body is limp!  
  
Ryo: I think what he is saying is that you need to wake up and smell the coffee.  
  
Hiei: .  
  
Ryo: Perhaps we should tackle the next caller?  
  
Person: "...I have this crush on the leader of the reki tenti (can't spell it)...and...um...I was wondering...how do I tell him?"  
  
Hiei: Serenade him with poems, songs, chocolate in boxes and flowers. Wait, what am I saying??  
  
Ryo: You're giving the person advice, remember?  
  
Hiei: Die will you!  
  
Ryo: I AM NOT GAY!!!  
  
Hiei: Who said you where?  
  
Ryo: I didn't say a thing!!! Honest, Dee and I aren't in a relationship!  
  
Hiei: Who's Dee?  
  
Ryo: My partner!!!  
  
Hiei: And you.  
  
Ryo: We have SEX. wait!!! NO NO NO!!!!!!  
  
Person: Ummm hello?  
  
Hiei: Oh yes you, you're on the line still. Someone get this person off the phone!!!  
  
Person: But my help, you where going to help me?  
  
Hiei: Oh yeah, send in to the circus for a show and push him into the ring before the elephant walks by! And remember to tune into The Yu at ninety- nine point nine! Next caller.  
  
???: HOW DARE YOU!!!  
  
Ryo: Huh?  
  
Hiei: Hn. What?  
  
Ryo: You're on the air you can speak!  
  
Dee: So you deny that you're in a relationship with me?  
  
Ryo: DEE!!!  
  
Dee: I give you my body, my heart and you treat me like shit! *You can hear Bikky laughing hysterically at Dee*  
  
Hiei: *caring voice* You need to admit to yourself Ryo that your in a relationship and that you love this person on the line.  
  
Dee: It's Dee!  
  
Ryo: I can't, I'm too shy.  
  
Hiei: I'll BEAT it out of you!!!  
  
Ryo: I'm sorry Dee.  
  
Dee: Do you love me?  
  
Ryo: Yes!!!! I must go and leave from your show Hiei Love, because I'm in love and GAY!!!!  
  
Hiei: Good!!! It is about time! Caller nine!!  
  
Kenshin: Am I caller number one that I am?  
  
Hiei: Sorry next time!  
  
Belldandy: I'll grant you on wish if I am caller number nine!  
  
Hiei: No.  
  
Yusuke: Hey Hiei!  
  
Hiei: NO!!!!  
  
(SIX CALLERS LATER)  
  
Hiei: You're caller number nine!  
  
Raenef: YES, YES!!! What do I win exactly? (?O_O?) Hiei: You win a dictionary complete with a thesaurus and a grammar guide!  
  
Raenef: How dare YOU mock me, vermin?!!  
  
Hiei: Congrats on winning and now you'll be able to spell 'become' and 'mighty' right!!!  
  
~Radio Commercial~  
  
He was taking his brother to a school event. The next thing he remembers was the crash... The sight that he saw afterward as he looked at the passenger side. His brother had been violently flung threw the windshield of the car and ran over by a semi truck because he didn't wear a seat belt. On a road side study, six out of six people where in the influence of Coca- Cola.  
  
~End of Commercial~ 


	13. Still Breathing

Disclaimer: I don't own it, I swear or the anime characters that show up as callers or guest stars!!! Remember Hiei is OOC for good reasons as you will find out soon ^___^  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
Don't take Hiei Love's advice, none of it got it! ^_^ Sorry for the late update, I've been house sitting and that hasn't giving me the time to write. ;_;  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
~Radio Commercial~  
  
*Goes with Christina Aguilera's Fighter song*  
  
Well I thought this could work, thinking you could do the job Guess I, I couldn't get it with scrubbing with those bubbles Cause I've had enough You were some how by my side, always there for who knows But your days here just came down in flames cause your method only seems a shame  
  
(mmmhmmm) After all of the times and despair you probably don't work I hold resentment for you!!! Oh yes, uh huh, oh yeah, I'm right Cause if it was the orange aroma clean lies, I should've known Just how dependable you weren't for me So I woke up and realized Cause it  
  
Makes me that much brighter Made me work a little too hard It makes me incredibly happy So thanks for all the things you couldn't do Made me learn and go to Wal-Mart Made me go to the cleaning isle Makes me that much smarter So thanks for nothing, bought some Clorox  
  
Man: Don't fall for any other bathroom cleaning lies; go with Clorox, the obvious choice! Christina chooses Clorox and you should too!  
  
~End of Radio Commercial~  
  
Announcement: (Clip from song) He comes from a foreign place, an island far away, (Woman's voice) Oh, he's just so exotic and erotic and heroic. That's why you tune into The Yu at ninety-nine point nine because of Hour of Love with Hiei love. (Clip from song) Oh, it's so hot, and I need some air. Oh boy, don't stop 'cos I'm halfway there. Hiei Love he isn't your typical singing pole dancing stripper!  
  
Hiei: Welcome all my wonderful viewers. I mean, wait! *pregnant pause* . *Deep stalker voice* Hello. this is Hour of Love with Hiei Love and I am your host Hiei Love. Tonight is a special night like every night that you the viewers get advice from me, Hiei Love. Wait, what the hell am I saying!!?!!  
  
Keitaro: Hello everyone. I'll be the guest host!! Hiei: That's my job loser!!! I can see it all over your face! You're a pervert!  
  
Keitaro: Nooo!!!!  
  
Hiei: Just like in your show.  
  
Keitaro: I don't mean to fall out of trees and land on the fence where the back yard hot springs are and stare at the naked women!!  
  
Hiei: There you go, that's plain evidence against yourself!  
  
Keitaro: Uh. Uh. THAT'S NOT IT AT ALL!!!  
  
Hiei: Shut up, you are scaring the viewers into a deep depression! Here is a song.  
  
*Love by Kelly Chen starts*  
  
*Love ends*  
  
Hiei: Welcome back. So we'll take a caller before the show gets boring. Caller you are on the air.  
  
Kagome: "I have a question."  
  
Hiei: Sure, go ahead. Wait. that's obvious if you are calling!  
  
Kagome: "I like this boy who's my friend but he acts as if I don't exist. What do I do?"  
  
Hiei: Animishly speaking. Is he perhaps stuck up on a dead chick?  
  
Kagome: Well yeah, they where in love before this one guy.  
  
Hiei: How sad. Well you need to be the dominate one and tell him how you feel! You should ask him out! Or just waste in that puddle of regret you are building up.  
  
Kagome: Thanks Hiei Love!  
  
Hiei: Don't mention it!  
  
Keitaro: You know, listening to your older shows, you know what I mean, you are acting differently lately.  
  
Hiei: And you are a pervert, what's new? Next caller!  
  
Caller: "If someone of the same sex likes you and they keep hitting on you, and you think you're starting to be attracted to them, is it love or are they just rubbing off on you?"  
  
Hiei: Well I think you are falling for that person. It is similar to when you fall for a close friend, at first you were just friends but the more you hanged out together, talked or whatever, you slowly began to feel something more than just on a friendship basis. It's natural, it happens.  
  
Caller: Wow Hiei, you must be like that Dr. Phil!  
  
Hiei: HN!  
  
Keitaro: strange I told you.  
  
Hiei: .  
  
Caller: But is it okay?  
  
Hiei: What do you mean?  
  
Caller: Acceptable?  
  
Hiei: Of course it is, we are in the two thousands now, not the eighteen hundreds! You have to be true to yourself.  
  
Caller: I think you are right, thanks!  
  
Hiei: I am starting to act different.  
  
Keitaro: Told you so!  
  
Hiei: HN! .  
  
Caller 2: I think I have fallen out of love with my girlfriend, I don't know what to do.  
  
Hiei: Well how are things with both of you?  
  
Caller 2: Well it is kinda rough.  
  
Hiei: Well I need more information to help you.  
  
Caller 2: Well it's been rough for a while now, we argue a lot.  
  
Hiei: *unenthused* The bed situation?  
  
Caller 2: Huh?  
  
Hiei: .  
  
Caller 2: OH! Not active.  
  
Hiei: Well you need to have a talk, tell her how you feel, hear out what she has to say, let her say things that are bothering her too and so fourth. Communication is key in a relationship!  
  
Caller 2: I know that.  
  
Hiei: Have you exercised it?  
  
Caller 2: Of course I talk to her.  
  
Hiei: You can always go into your garage, into your car, close all the windows and junk and gas yourself to death. Works like a charm!  
  
Keitaro: Ummm Hiei Love?  
  
Hiei: Shut your mouth pervert. We'll listen to a couple of soon to be classic love songs and then to a commercial break.  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ diamonddustx: Hope you enjoyed that chapter. Two chapters left! Please Review. 


	14. Third Date

Disclaimer: Do you think I own Hiei or Kurama? Me neither.  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
I have prepared you all for Hiei's OOC and you still think it is weird or something along that lines. *sigh* It's obvious alright!!! As I said you will find out if you haven't. yeesh. An off air chapter. Complete nonsense, be prepared. Get some popcorn! ^_^  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
HIEI'S BEDROOM  
  
(Alarm has been ringing loud, deathly loud)  
  
Hiei: *Grabs katana and destroys the alarm clock, still asleep*  
  
Alarm clock: *The ringing sound is fading away with each ring*  
  
Hiei: *Opens eyes and is half awake* Hn. That's the tenth on this week!!!  
  
(Phone rings)  
  
Hiei: What time is it damns it.? I just woke up!!! *Gets up and jumps to the other side of the bed to his desk where his telephone lives*  
  
Man Over Phone: Hello, I'm with PB&J and I just wanted to tell you about.  
  
Hiei: Do you realize how early it is in the morning!!  
  
Man Over Phone: Sir, it is two, twenty-two in the afternoon. *cough cough* Back on my subject, we have special rates.  
  
Hiei: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I'm late all because of your worthless pathetic idiotic, I'm sorry; I shouldn't have said that.  
  
MOP: Ma'am, you must have cancer to think this is the morning; those leukemia treatments are the worse.  
  
Hiei: I'm late, can't you understand, I have a date!  
  
MOP: A date with the one and only BEST telephone communications PB&J!  
  
Hiei: Can't you hang up the phone, I said I'm LATE!!! *roar*  
  
MOP: Right now we have a special offer with special rates, with special.  
  
Hiei: *throws phone over shoulder* I must take a shower and get dressed! *runs into the bathroom turning the shower on. (Thanks to half-a-vision this is only in half screen) .taking clothing off and jumping into the shower. (Because the height of Hiei and of half-a-vision you can only see Hiei's hair until he gets it wet and shampoos it) . within the shower, Hiei starts humming the song 'Wild Wind'*  
  
FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER  
  
MOP: *Still on the phone* And a special.  
  
Hiei: Alright, what to wear.. Hn. Black, black or this black clothing. *picks the one pair of the identical clothing he picked out from his closet* FIVE MINUTES LATER  
  
Hiei: Alright. *looks throughout house, everything seems to be fine, even the fish tank with fish floating on their side* Grab my keys and into my car! *leaves*  
  
MOP: *Still on the phone not realizing Hiei threw the phone over his shoulder* Sir, with all these special.  
  
OUTSIDE  
  
Hiei: *walks over to car*  
  
*Opens the door sitting in*  
  
*Turns car on*  
  
*Closes car door*  
  
*Lets the car warm up*  
  
*Still doesn't know how to drive correctly*  
  
*Puts the radio on*  
  
*Shifts car into reverse*  
  
*Backs into the street*  
  
*Is on the left side of the street*  
  
*Is still in reverse*  
  
*Driving now on the left side of the street*  
  
*Changes radio station*  
  
*Looks in the mirror on both sides of the car*  
  
*Looks around in front*  
  
*Looking in back of him now*  
  
*Is driving in reverse*  
  
*Still on the left side of the street*  
  
*Only knows how to drive in reverse*  
  
*People are honking at him*  
  
*He doesn't seem to notice*  
  
*Is turning toward the freeway*  
  
*Only in reverse unlike normal people*  
  
*Sees the sign for 'Freeway'*  
  
*Turns on the ramp to get on the 'freeway'*  
  
*Is on 'freeway'*  
  
*Still in reverse*  
  
*Forgot but puts seatbelt on*  
  
*Driving seventy miles per hour*  
  
*In reverse*  
  
*Safely*  
  
*Only in reverse*  
  
*looks at the time on the clock*  
  
*It's three thirty*  
  
*Must meet with Kurama at five in the afternoon*  
  
*It's a date*  
  
*Can be seen excited for the date*  
  
*Favorite song comes on radio*  
  
*Is on a j-pop station*  
  
*Makes him even more excited*  
  
*Looks to the left*  
  
*To the right*  
  
*In front of him*  
  
*Back to the back*  
  
*Driving in only reverse*  
  
*In high speeds of eighty miles per hour*  
  
*Speed limit is eighty miles per hour*  
  
*Still in reverse*  
  
*People passing the car gives strange looks*  
  
*Because he is in a good mood, he smirks at them*  
  
*Driving like normal people.*  
  
*Just in reverse unlike.*  
  
*Normal people*  
  
*Hiei is obviously special and not normal*  
  
*Why*  
  
*He drives in reverse*  
  
*Is leaving the Freeway*  
  
*On the ramp to the highway*  
  
*Is now on highway*  
  
*Red light*  
  
*Stops*  
  
*Green light*  
  
*Goes*  
  
*Looks to the left*  
  
*Right*  
  
*Front*  
  
*Back to the back*  
  
*One Word. Reverse*  
  
*Spots a Target*  
  
*Gets fond memories*  
  
*Flash back*  
  
*Located at chapter eleven*  
  
*End of flash back*  
  
*Finds an empty parking lot*  
  
*Far in the back of the parking lot*  
  
*Turns car off*  
  
*Gets out of car*  
  
*Walks toward Target*  
  
TARGET  
  
Hiei: *talks to self* I must buy another clock.  
  
Juri: Welcome again valued costumer of Target. Would you like to apply for a Target card? Get ten percent off of your shopping today.  
  
Hiei: No thank you.  
  
Juri: You seem in a good mood and ten percent always makes people even MORE happier!  
  
Hiei: No, I need the quickest way to the clock section of your store.  
  
Juri: Let me call on of my associates here in Target to let them help you. *over walkie talkie* We need some help by the front of Target, a costumer needs help for the quickest way to the clock section.  
  
Hiei: Is this going to take long, I have a date.  
  
Juri: Yes it will sir.  
  
Hiei: It will?  
  
Juri: It won't take long sir, if you only calm down.  
  
Hiei: I'll go and find one myself. *jumps in a cart thinking he can drive in it like those things he sees on the television for old senior citizens* FORWARD!  
  
Juri: *blank stare*  
  
Koto: *looks at Juri and gets disgusted* I heard you needed help.  
  
Juri: Well he does. *points at Hiei*  
  
Hiei: It. it is broken!  
  
Koto: *blank stare* Hiei, what are you doing here?  
  
Hiei: *looks at Koto* What are you doing here?  
  
Koto: *looks at author then back at Hiei* The powers that be told me I still had a role to play here so I was called from the depths of the writer's discard pile and brought back as a target employee. I did die though.  
  
Hiei: I need a clock!  
  
Koto: I'll show you the way; after all it is my purpose now.  
  
Hiei: Quickly, I have an important appointment to go to at five.  
  
Koto: A date?  
  
Hiei: Hn! How did you know?  
  
Koto: Those powers that be I told you about.  
  
Hiei: You need to stop watching television.  
  
Koto: Oh in writer's discard pile, all you can watch are shows from the WB.  
  
Hiei: Alarm clocks. back on subject please, I am in a rush.  
  
Koto: For your date?  
  
Hiei: .  
  
Koto: Here we go, so you need a alarm clock, anything in specific. Like my name tag, it's metal!  
  
Hiei: Wow, it's golden like.  
  
Koto: I'm glad you like it, but it's just a plastic piece of crap.  
  
Hiei: Oh.  
  
Koto: Are you looking for cheap or expensive clocks?  
  
Hiei: Alarm clocks, the best non breakable kind.  
  
Koto: Well they all can break but this is electrical!  
  
Hiei: So that is the best?  
  
Koto: Oh, heh heh, they're all electrical or battery operated.  
  
Hiei: I need on fast and now and I have a.  
  
Koto: Date.  
  
Hiei: Tell me which is better of DIE!  
  
Koto: Well it's nice to know you aren't completely changed.  
  
Hiei: .?  
  
Koto: Well I think this will be best suited for you. It makes annoying chicken sounds to wake you up!  
  
Hiei: And that is the best?  
  
Koto: This is my purpose remember.  
  
Hiei: Well thanks, I should pay and leave for my *looks around* date.  
  
Koto: Have fun!  
  
Hiei: *walks away*  
  
Koto: *Stands by the clock isle still and the whole shelf falls on her, sending her to the writer's discard pile again* NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
CHECK OUT  
  
Cashier At Front Entrance: Hello, did you find everything okay?  
  
Hiei: Yes, just find, can we hurry.  
  
Cashier At Front Entrance: This will only take a minute sir.  
  
Hiei: Good.  
  
CAFÉ: That will be nineteen dollars.  
  
Hiei: Oh alright. Umm.  
  
CAFÉ: Are you paying with cash or credit?  
  
Hiei: I was getting to that. Here is my credit card. *hands to CAFÉ to swipe it in machine and pay for it*  
  
CAFÉ: *Hands Hiei his credit card back*  
  
Hiei: Thanks have a good evening *takes the alarm clock and leaves*  
  
OUTSIDE  
  
Hiei: *Is in parking lot*  
  
*Walks away from Target*  
  
*Spots car*  
  
*It was simple*  
  
*Since it was in the back of the parking lot*  
  
*That was empty*  
  
*Walks to car*  
  
*Unlocks car, opening car door*  
  
*Sits in, closes door*  
  
*Turns car on*  
  
*Turns the air conditioner on*  
  
*It got hot in the car*  
  
*Puts seatbelt on*  
  
*Puts car in reverse*  
  
*Looks left*  
  
*Then right*  
  
*Then in front*  
  
*then back to the back*  
  
*Still in reverse*  
  
*He starts to drive*  
  
*Gets out of parking lot*  
  
*Is on highway*  
  
*Light is green*  
  
*He drives toward the 'freeway'*  
  
*Looks at the time*  
  
*It is four twenty-three*  
  
*Hiei is very excited*  
  
*He is going to be on his third date with Kurama*  
  
*It's a big deal for Hiei*  
  
*Remember. Reverse*  
  
*Still getting strange looks*  
  
*People are honking at him*  
  
*Hiei doesn't seem to notice still*  
  
*Doesn't know how to drive correctly*  
  
*Obviously*  
  
*He is special and not normal*  
  
*Why*  
  
*He drives in reverse*  
  
*Gets on the ramp*  
  
*Is on his way to the 'freeway'*  
  
*Now on 'freeway'*  
  
*Still in reverse*  
  
*As always*  
  
*Is speeding up*  
  
*Now at seventy miles per hour*  
  
*Speed limit is seventy miles per hour*  
  
*In reversed*  
  
RIGHT BEFORE FIVE O'CLOCK  
  
Hiei: *drives in the drive way and parks the car turning it off* This is the address Kurama gave me.  
  
*walks to the front door*  
  
*Knocks on the door*  
  
Kurama: *smiles* Welcome Hiei, it's nice to see you, oh and you even got dressed! *smiles even bigger*  
  
Hiei: Hello.  
  
Kurama: Hey.  
  
Hiei: How are you tonight?  
  
Kurama: I'm great and yourself.  
  
Hiei: I'm good too.  
  
Kurama: Make yourself at home, I'll be right back. Let me grab my coat and then we'll leave.  
  
Hiei: Alright. *sits down on the couch in front of the fire place*  
  
Kurama: *Doesn't follow the third date rule, he is a complete gentleman* Oh. he even made it before five, that's so nice. Alright, I'll grab my coat. *walks downstairs*  
  
Hiei: *Thinking to self* This is a nice place, very cozy.  
  
Kurama: I'm back Hiei, we can go now.  
  
Hiei: Alright*  
  
Kurama/Hiei: *leaves house*  
  
OUTSIDE  
  
Kurama: Why don't we take my car unless you'd like to drive?  
  
Hiei: *looks at his car then Kurama's car* It doesn't matter.  
  
Kurama: Alright, I'll drive then, come on in the car now.  
  
Hiei: *opens door and gets in car* You have a nice home.  
  
Kurama: Why thank you Hiei, I'm sure you do too. So off we go! *puts car in reverse and backs into the street*  
  
Hiei: *feels comfortable in Kurama's car*  
  
Kurama: So what did you do today? *puts the car in drive*  
  
Hiei: *freaked out* Uh. I. I am good.  
  
Kurama: Huh? Hiei: Oh, well I woke up late and a person called asking me about their phone company. Hn. Then I went to Target to buy an alarm clock.  
  
Kurama: Sounds like a interesting day.  
  
Hiei: What about your day?  
  
Kurama: Well I woke up early and then I worked a bit and got ready for out date tonight. To tell you the truth I was nervous, I couldn't do much.  
  
Hiei: You and me both, heh.  
  
Kurama: I'm glad I wasn't the only one nervous.  
  
Hiei: Yeah. So where are we going?  
  
Kurama: It's a surprise; I think you'll like it.  
  
Hiei: I hope so.  
  
Kurama: Don't worry it won't bite. You know Hiei; you still haven't opened up all the way. You can be completely open with me about everything.  
  
Hiei: Erm. Hn!  
  
Kurama: It's okay Hiei.  
  
Hiei: I've never been open before with people.  
  
Kurama: We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to.  
  
Hiei: . Well maybe some other time.  
  
Kurama: Alright. *radio is softly playing* I love this song!  
  
Hiei: You do?  
  
Kurama: YEAH!  
  
Hiei: Me too! It's my favorite.  
  
Kurama: Mine too! *turns Wild Wind up louder*  
  
Hiei: Heh.  
  
Kurama: *smiling* We are almost there*  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~ diamonddustx: Hope you enjoyed the chapter. Lots of non-sense I told ya!!!! And this was an extra chapter I wasn't going to be writing but my friend yugijouoh made a nice little point and I decided to write an extra chapter ^____^ Please Review. Thanks a bunch!!!! 


	15. To The End

Disclaimer: Still don't own it.  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
Sorry for the long, long delay because of visiting my dad and then taking a little break. Also I've been writing a new fanfic (Unexpected Surprise) which has taken my time away from writing this chapter. But here, finally, is the last chapter!!!! Enjoy!  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~ ON AIR  
  
Announcement: (Clip from song) Regardless of warnings, the future doesn't scare me at all. It's Friday and you know what that means!!! Stay tuned for Hiei Love which returns next week on Monday. Until then, use your can of peanut butter to make origami and laugh hysterically crazy in your bloody kimono!  
  
OFF AIR  
  
Hiei: Finally, the show tonight is over!  
  
Tsukasa: Ummm o. okay.  
  
Hiei: .  
  
Tsukasa: I guess I should be going too.  
  
Hiei: That would probably be good.  
  
AT HOME  
  
Hiei: *yawn* What a nice. I mean boring day at work. *walks upstairs* Wait, what is that horribly good smell? *walks to the kitchen*  
  
Kurama: Hi Hiei!  
  
Hiei: Kurama! What, what are you doing here?  
  
Kurama: Don't be silly, heh heh, remember we were going to have dinner at your house and you gave me a key to your house so I wouldn't have to knock or wait till you get home to get inside.  
  
Hiei: No wonder the door was unlocked.  
  
Kurama: I hope I didn't scare you.  
  
Hiei: Hn, of course not.  
  
Kurama: Hiei, you're not at work any more, so you can relax.  
  
Hiei: Yeah.  
  
Kurama: Is there something bothering you my Hiei?  
  
Hiei: Just the guest star of the show.  
  
Kurama: What was wrong with him? I didn't find anything wrong with him listening.  
  
Hiei: Lets forget about it and cook. *smiles*  
  
Kurama: Would you help me cut those tomatoes?  
  
Hiei: *throws three tomatoes in the air and cuts them with his katana* Kurama: Thanks.  
  
NEXT DAY  
  
(Phone Rings)  
  
Kurama: *Wakes up* Huh, huh... oh *picks up phone* Hello?  
  
Person Over The Phone: IS Hiei there?  
  
Kurama: He isn't there, I mean here.  
  
Hiei: *still asleep laying next to Kurama on his bed* Hn.  
  
Person Over The Phone: We know he is there, now give the phone to him.  
  
Kurama: And if I say no.  
  
POTP: Trust us. your fate will be dealt a hard hand!  
  
Hiei: Who is it?  
  
Kurama: Shhhh!  
  
POTP: We heard his voice!  
  
Kurama: Erm. Fine!  
  
Hiei: Is it for me?  
  
Kurama: Yeah. tell them to call them back later.  
  
Hiei: *grabs phone from Kurama* Hello?  
  
POTP: Hello Hiei, We need you at the office now, as soon as possible.  
  
Hiei: Why should I?  
  
POTP: Because, there is a meeting you must attend, your career depends on it.  
  
Hiei: .  
  
POTP: We know you are still there!  
  
Hiei: Fine, I'll be over at ten o'clock.  
  
POTP: It is past ten in the morning.  
  
Hiei: Then eleven o'clock!  
  
POTP: You have ten minutes.  
  
Hiei: NO! I mean twelve!  
  
POTP: Fine, you have an hour and ten minutes.  
  
Hiei: . *hangs up phone*  
  
Kurama: What is going on Hiei?  
  
Hiei: I have to go to work because there is a meeting I have to attend or my career goes down the drain.  
  
Kurama: Oh, that isn't fair!  
  
Hiei: So I have to go now. I'll be back in no time. *gets up and starts walking away*  
  
Kurama: Like that, hehehehe.  
  
Hiei: Huh? Oh I need a shirt and pants *looks down at his black boxers*  
  
RADIO STATION  
  
Sichu: Hi Hiei! How are you?  
  
Hiei: Leave me alone.  
  
Sichu: You don't want to play with me?  
  
Hiei: Why should I.  
  
Sichu: I knew you'd change your mind, I've got a paddle.  
  
Hiei: .  
  
Sichu: But sadly, I'll have to wait since you have a meeting with the Big 5.  
  
Hiei: Hn! *gets interrupted*  
  
Sichu: I know, such horrible men, stealing you from us.  
  
Hiei: Look lady, there is no 'us'. *goes into meeting room*  
  
MEETING ROOM  
  
Big 5: Look who decided to show, and only a minute left to go, we started to think you didn't care about your job.  
  
Hiei: *sits down* .  
  
Big 5: Shall we get to business or do you need a cup of coffee?  
  
Hiei: Just start it already!  
  
Big 5: If you insist. We've noticed that your show has lost its touch.  
  
Hiei: What are you talking about? Big 5: You've lost your edge. Ratings are down, celebrities aren't that excited to guest star as a host. That kind of edge Hiei.  
  
Hiei: and your point is.  
  
Big 5: You've lost your edge, but don't worry, it happens to all the radio Deejays in the biz.  
  
Hiei: Can I go now?  
  
Big 5: No not yet.  
  
Hiei: .  
  
Big 5: We want to know if you want to improve your show to stay on the air.  
  
Hiei: The show is good, people still listen, and I'd rather not have guest hosts on MY show.  
  
Big 5: That brings in twenty percent of listeners to the show.  
  
Hiei: I see.  
  
Big 5: We thought so. In any case, we feel that.  
  
Hiei: What?  
  
Big 5: You've lost your cool. Have you fallen in love?  
  
Hiei: Huh?  
  
Big 5: Don't lie, we heard that lady on the phone.  
  
Hiei: WHAT!!! That wasn't a.  
  
Big 5: Don't lie, we can smell that horrible odor of love all over your body and your hair.  
  
Hiei: So what if I have?  
  
Big 5: Then you admit to falling in love.  
  
Hiei: I heard everyone does so.  
  
Big 5: Not people like YOU!  
  
Hiei: .  
  
Big 5: Don't think of leaving, we're not done.  
  
Hiei: I have things to do.  
  
Big 5: Sure you do *gives Hiei the evil eye*  
  
Hiei: Shut up or die!  
  
Big 5: That is the hostility and anger that the show promoted!  
  
Hiei: What? Who cares.  
  
Big 5: See you've lost that attitude over the air, there is still hope for you Hiei, take our hand in agreement to fulfill your duties as a deejay!  
  
Hiei: I play music, I talk in a microphone, so there, my duties have been fulfilled so now I'm leaving to go home.  
  
Big 5: Hiei, we've come to the understanding that your expendable so if you don't come with us, you'll have to leave.  
  
Hiei: No such thing, you'd never do that because I'm bringing the ratings in to your station!  
  
Big 5: Really?  
  
Hiei: You depend on me!  
  
Big 5: Leave, get out! Your FIRED!  
  
Hiei: You can't fire me!  
  
Big 5: I believe we just did.  
  
Hiei: Then I QUIT! *Gets up and starts to leave*  
  
Big 5: no, NO!!!  
  
Hiei: . *opens door to leave*  
  
Big 5: Is there SOME WAY we can get you back! HIEI, you're the highest rated deejay on the air right now!!!! We need YOU!!!  
  
Hiei: No, if that is how you're going to play it and get rid of me, I'm moving to Texas! *leaves*  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
diamonddustx: So there you have it!!! The end of one fanfic, soon, the beginning of a new one, yes there will be a sequel and a prequel!!!! Please review! 


End file.
